One Lesson From A Decade Of Fighting Chronic Illness
Posted by Catherine Morgan on February 16, 2008
This post was originally published on March 7, 2007
Grieving For The Loss Of The Person You Once Knew — While Learning To Be The Person You Have Become – by Catherine Morgan
There comes a time in every fight, where you have to wonder what it is you are fighting for. In the case of chronic illness, I thought I was fighting to take my life back. I thought I was fighting to find a cure for myself. I thought I was fighting for the right combination of medications to help me lead a “normal” life again. I was fighting, fighting, fighting…..until that one day when I realized, I was fighting a losing battle. No matter how much I fought, I was never going to get my life back. No matter how much I fought, I was never going to be “normal” again. I actually even fought myself at this time, to not give-up the fight. I thought that if I admitted failure, I was letting the disease win. But the truth is, that as with most fights, the toll the fight takes on you emotionally is much worse than the fight itself.
I finally realized that by giving-up my fight, what I was really doing was accepting my condition. And by acceptance of my condition, it meant that I was accepting my limitations, and that was very depressing to me. I admit that at this point I fell into a deep depression. My life as I knew it was over. There was no hope that I would ever be able to return to my nursing career, and my feelings of hopelessness about ever being able to support myself financially was all encompassing.
I felt useless to myself, my family, and to the world…I was a person without a purpose. How could I go on? And yes, why me? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why was life so unfair? I hate to admit it, but there were times like that, times that I just felt sorry for myself. I felt as if I had hit rock bottom, but then the earth would open up to swallow me even further down, each time I thought I couldn’t fall any further, I did. How could I even begin to climb out of my despair? Did I even want to try?
In retrospect, I now can see this time as my grieving period, much like the grieving for the loss of a loved one, I needed to grieve the loss of myself. And as with all grief, you feel you will never get over the pain of your loss. But just as in grief, there comes a time when we have to allow ourselves to move on, to let go of the pain, and to hold on to the happier times. Let me assure you, this was not a brief amount of time by any means. I would say that I still have one foot in this part of the process, even though I feel I am beginning to move on.
I still have days of doubt and hopelessness, that sometimes suck me back into my feelings of grief. But, at least now I can say that I also have times when my awareness and acceptance has become a friend to me. Excepting my limitations allows me to feel empowered to turn my life in a different direction, a direction I may not have seen had it not been for my hitting rock bottom with nowhere else to turn. I am still very afraid that I will fail, I am just more afraid of failing to even try. The one thing I have is my hope, and as long as I never let go of that, I think I will be o.k.
I do have a different kind of hope now than I did in the past. I don’t hope to have my illness go away, I just hope that I can learn to live the best life I possibly can along side of it. I hope for the courage to not allow my illness to push me back into depression, and that if it does, I hope to find the strength to pull myself back out. I hope for my continued understanding that what weakens me, might also be what empowers me. I hope for the ability to allow the lessons I have learned through my own struggles, be a catalyst in helping others who may be in similar situations as I have been. I hope that I will never allow myself to lose hope again.
So, just in case my “lesson” was lost in this commentary…The lesson was “acceptance“. The sooner someone with a chronic illness can accept their condition, the sooner that person can begin to live the life they were meant to live. This doesn’t happen overnight, you will have to go through the grieving process in your own way, but the sooner you begin your journey to acceptance, the sooner you will get there. And, time does have an eerie way of helping to heal our wounds.
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ALSO SEE:
INFORMATION ON CFS THAT YOU CAN PRINT OUT AND GIVE TO YOUR DOCTOR, WRITTEN BY DOCTORS, FOR DOCTORS.
VIDEOS THAT EXPLAIN CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME, YOU CAN PASS THEM ON TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
MUSIC VIDEOS THAT I LIKE, AND THAT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL A BIT BETTER ON A BAD DAY.
TIPS FOR LIVING WITH CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME.
COPING WITH LIFE-ALTERING ILLNESS
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Rick said
I’m just going through the posts on this blog and this one, like the others I’ve read, is awesome.
Long story short, what I learned is that I can’t create health by being at war with my own body. The concept of “fighting” was one I naturally embraced. I was going to fight this thing that stole my stamina and vitality. But the very framing of it in that context does indeed put you at war with yourself and that is NOT where healing happens. At least it didn’t for me.
I started to get seriously better when I took a different view. Yes, I wanted to feel more like I used to feel. Yes, I was not happy with my current condition but I still had much to be grateful for and the more I “fought”, the less in touch I was with empowering and healing emotions like gratitude and love and peace. It’s not an easy road to walk, to be sure, and I’m still figuring it out day by day. But I had to learn the hard way that while I did still need to research and learn and experiment and not give up the quest to get healthier and stronger, I could not do it in a way where I focused more on what I lacked than on what I possessed. Easier said than done, but there you have it.
Thanks for sharing your walk. You’re not alone.
Malcolm said
What a great write; acceptance of course is the key but, getting the right balance between accepting our condition and not yielding to self-pity is always a fine one. Once I was able to accept my condition, albeit as a moderate sufferer from ME, I was able, for the first time, to regain some kind of control. At least then, through help with ‘pacing’ etc., I was able to avoid the worst excesses of my boom and bust cycle.
Chronic Health Blog » Archive » 102 Chronic Illness Resources said
[...] One Lesson From A Decade of Fighting Chronic Illness. One woman’s journey of what she has learned along the [...]
chronicchick said
hi,
CHronic Illness is tough enough. the side affects of the illnesses can be overwhelming. Do you wanna exchange links?
Fighting Fatigue/Sandy said
After being sick for almost twenty years, I find that I will go through the different phases of grief over and over at different times, if that makes sense. I can barely remember the girl I once was, so I think that is probably a blessing. I have had to learn to live with, and love, the woman I am now – sick and all.